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fragile adulthood

9 June 2021

after a very long time with no crying involved, i have been sobbing over the phone, to my friend with the same questions repeating all over again. just with a different meaning. not anymore involving anybody else, but me. 

i do and i tend to ask myself a lot of questions every minute of every day. keeps me up to pace, makes me being aware of things and events happening around me. this time, while sobbing, the question was, i know i cannot do better, so if i cannot do better what more i can do? and is there more to do? and if there is to do more, how do i know and when and how am i suppose to do it. 

i don't want it to be more, because this time, after a very long time, i cannot do more. i have found myself yet again exhausted, speechless of events revolving around me, full of questions with no answers. 

what more can i do to make things better? to make them feel better. why, oh, why in whatever's name, can't for once it go my way.

why is it two steps forward and three back? what is being stuck back there that keeps me going reversed? what am i not seeing, what am i missing? it used to be a circle. now it is a line of neverending stops. the line is there, yet i am not being pulled forward. 

so on a way of being the woman i always wanted to be, i get pulled by unshaped creatures i have not chosen to be part of my life, yet i have seek it without knowing. so a person constantly searching for the meaning behind closed doors, do i ever get those answers? and is each of my questions going to be answered with another question? 

i am not being overly stucked on the fact of being thirty this year, even though i find it kinda cute. me and my twenties we are done, we have done it all and we could not have done more. i have pressed several lives into one decade and i have overpassed several lines i should have left untouched. i have milked that cow till i could until i have fallen down on my mouth begging myself to stop. in the sake of everybody involved. 

so simply as that, there are no answers. it will always just generate more questions. but the glory of the days when you get to ask those questions, it is there. and in recent endless nights, watching the ceiling going from dark to live, my mind tends to do the opposite. the different side of it now is, i know it is happening and i know how to maintain myself. when the pain goes deeper searching for connections that are not yet there. i have the life of a woman i always wanted to be, i am not the woman i always wanted to be. but i do search for the woman i always wanted to be. 

so going backward, into the abyss of the last two three years and all the sad stories, never-ending fight with depression, sleepless nights and watching the shadows on the ceiling telling me that nothing will change if i don't dig deeper, i have found glimpses, small amounts of the actual change sneaking into my life, as i always wanted and i craved. the changes to become the person, the woman i always wanted to be. i do imagine a lot how it would be to meet her one day, all the grace and glory, smile and deep understanding of what we have been through and we have reached yet another elevation through the experience of ordinary life. that we truly do try to find the beauty of ordinary life. because the beauty is there. i try to remind myself of smells of those ordinary moments to take me back, to those moments when the change happened but i was not aware of it. those moments that i hated later on so much. the people who were part of it. never seen as the uplifting glory of my own personality, shaping the one and only person that only mattered in that situation and it was me. so it does matter. and it did matter. each and every tear and each and every sleepless night. 

it is not just me. maybe you or your friend. might be somebody around you see every day with that neverending smile hidding away the elevation pain of being a better person. because damn, it hurts. i always wished it hurt less. maybe i should have asked for more. because the woman i want to be can take more, can carry more, and see it more clearly. it takes one to be one. so the issue is not in finding plus one, but to search for the one that is already there. and like i said in the pieces of what article. those are just glimses of ourselves in others, that we need, the love we search for so much. those are the pieces that matter. that stay. those are the pieces i hope we all find and cherish them forever. nobody has them. it is only the mirror of another person that shows them. of us for us.

i wish i could paint my reality with words.

to see it as clearly as it comes so rarely to my mind.

i wish there would be more, to paint those blank slates with words that can describe all there is inside.




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