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i look a little bit older, i look a little bit colder

11. prosince 2020

i was notified there hasn't been any new word on the blog since august. scary and also very painful. it is not that i am not writing, there is plenty here - to write and to say. there was nobody to pass the message to.

and when i have read what i wrote. editing and disliking. the words were rather sad. disappointing. lonesome. was i self-pitting myself or rather passing a message? and if so, to whom? is this something somebody wants to read? does anybody even read anything? and if so, are we grasping for the meaning of what the person wanted to say. 

i didn't find myself that lost this year. strangely enough. being lost is my favorite sport discipline. because i have already dug myself out of the hole. but nobody tells you the struggle of being outside. in the real world. seeing everything with conscious eyes. as it is. not as you want it to. then you kinda want to dig yourself back in that hole. is that the reason i do not publish?

but i mean, who isn't a mess this year. or in general our adult lives.

i have found myself in vicious circle called: let's find another thing i am not good at and i should be. but i don't want to, because there is nobody to do it for, but me. nobody else. me, myself, and i.

i see it now, i have gone this year to a fight, maybe even a war, with my ego. it is like going to an existential looking glass, trying to break the inner voice inside of my head. the inner voice that is not called intuition, but anxiety. so to get back to any writing i did this year, good or bad, sad or sadder. 

i have seen myself, this year, breaking small pieces of me. to unravel me to myself. nobody else. like an adult would do. i have walked away from relationships, i would never turn my back to before. and i have cried for too many nights when the crying was something impossible years before. (i do blame A LITTLE LIFE - it all started with that). that kind of pain not many people can understand, but some can relate. 

i have found myself at the edge of december being completely drained by all this year, and all that has happened. fortunately for me. in a good way. because the work that has been done was painful, maintaining, but proper and well washed down by wine. nobody can see it. but i can feel it. 

i have washed away words i was not able to say, because they were never meant to be said. and when i want to say something, to somebody, before doing so, i write it down for myself. and as much as selfish this may sound. not everybody deserves the energy of my sentences. because it could be forever misunderstood.

among other things, that got broken this year, many became clear. 

this world is shallow. we are shallow. and that was the beginning of an end. when i couldn't deal with the emptiness of it all. when a search for connection became exhausting, like somebody locked in between transmission of waves, couldn't get out, couldn't get in. does adult life, past experience and self-awareness mean being locked up in a room without a door or a window?

so the point when i reached my end with any care for anything outside of my personal connection, was the moment i realized that we went from being obsessed about material stuff - to even father - to be obsessed about material on the screen that is not ours and probably not even of the owner of the social account. we have become a society connected to photos on the screen that has nothing to do with reality. so what was next? how beautiful it is to say one is a minimalist when one's day is truly minimalist as it is just being glued to a screen. well, then is a different kind of minimalism.

we look at each other literary through the looking glass - just the difference is when Alice goes through the mirror, she opens a completely new world - and has to continue to her journey on a chessboard. we are not playing chess. we are kinda playing the different lives of different people. and we are trying to win in a game that you can never win, as there is always a new move by somebody else who will dictate to your brain how to live. 

so as i went through this hard transition, feeling like shit most of the time. starting my birthday, then going through the autumn, i sometimes couldn't even look at the screen or people i actually used to like. why?

do we even know what we like anymore? or is it just the illusion of information being sprayed on us from different sources?

do we even know beauty when we see it? can we recognize it and can we feel it? can we appreciate art and love when we are touched by it? or is it now all filtered by the illusion of small photos shared through social media interaction. and how hard is going to be the consequence of this pandemic on our real lives as everything now is online? i struggle to go out to see people, what is going to happen when things get back to new normal? 

when i was reading the elegance of the hedgehog. i have found, finally, a certain kind of connection that was worth living for.

"we are filled with the energy of constantly wanting that which we cannot have, we are abandoned at down on a field littered with corpses, we are transported until our death by projects that are no sooner completed than they must be renewed. yet how exhausting it is to be constantly desiring... we soon aspire to pleasure without the quest, to a blissful state without beginning or end, where beauty would no longer be an aim or a project but the very proof of our nature. and that state is art... for art is emotion without desire."

to tell you the truth, during these times, i do not even miss traveling, i do not miss partying, i do not miss gathering with people and i definitely do not miss overcrowded places. what i miss. i always missed and all this time just highlighted it, is connection and depth. it has just shown to us what actually matters and where the essence of our lives lies. in good and in bad. suddenly things that seemed important, lost it shine. what became essential was the beauty of actual interaction with a person you truly want to talk to and be with. it has shown us where the value stands. and as joan didion said: the center will not hold, as the center must be rebuilt inside of us and our core essence as human beings. suddenly, shallow connections and distraction have no places in our lives, because we can see in bigger picture how our lives are small compared to beauty of nature. 

the world doesn't need to be loud for us to enjoy it. i said it once and i will say it again, silence is the luxury we did not have, but maybe we are given a chance to go back to it. so instead of sharing and absorbing illusions of other people's lives, we may share again those tiny pieces of us to people that truly matter. and in all that stillness that nature gives us, to maybe find the lost pieces we once left somewhere and rebuild it from the scratch, to be one day proud of ourselves. with no screen to show for it.

i strongly recommend to play taylor swift's evermore song with this to indulge in some excessive crying after.




Thank you for your lovely comments! :)