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pieces of what.

15. dubna 2021

i was passing from reason to feeling, from security to adventure, from rationality. to dream. i was utterly alone, but this time my solitude was not a torment, there was something mystical about it.

sometimes i watch people like they are standing behind thick glass. i watch them and study their behavior, secretly dreaming i could join them there, behind that glass, one day maybe, as sometimes i exclude myself like i do not belong. the question of belonging to a place or to somebody has always been strange to me. especially as it takes time to find a path to belong to yourself and to nobody else. and once you do that. to share a piece of it, seems like a completely different world or like sharing the last piece of pizza you really love, you wanna have, although you are not hungry, just craving, but the person opposite you kinda deserves it more. 

do you ever think of sharing yourself and giving a small piece of you to somebody, makes you less you and when that someone gets out of your way, do you ever get that piece back or does it stay with them forever? do you ever wonder, when a person close to you dies, leaves you or you lose touch with them, does the part of you, the part you so willingly gave to them, dies and goes with them? do we spend our life in eternal search for that piece so deeply connected to that person? how deep is your love? is this the point the famous bee gees song is about?

and once it stays with them, what if i wake up in twenty years and i search for that piece? because i have been missing it. not the person. but me, lost behind that thick glass. i have given up on that one small piece of myself and now that piece is needed.

i think i have lost many pieces of myself and as joan didion said: i have lost touch with all the people i used to be. i imagine all those people i used to be and all those pieces i used to have standing in front of me, would i choose them again to be part of me? 

or maybe we just continue with our lives and slowly searching for small pieces of us in new people. we look at them, try to get to know them and slowly, but surely, we can paint a picture of the person we use to know. that is she. she is me, just in a different light with a different story writing her life. but the core of my small, but meaningful, piece is there. 

so we grab on to these pieces till we can. until there is nothing to hold on. and it goes on and on. 

overall, i don't think i search for my lost pieces anymore. i search for pieces of myself in people. of myself the way i am now, as i think i have improved as a person. i have seen my lost pieces, i have been with my lost pieces and i have lived my lost pieces-i have ven loved them, deeply. they were all the broken, the bad, the good parts of me. they highlight all there is. and you know how it goes, the wisest man of all Noel Gallagher, said it himself once: and all the roads we have to walk are winding, all the lights that lead us there are blinding. well, i didn't find my way to get behind that glass, but i am on an excellent way to try. one day. not now. 

so if i ever meet you there, you must have a piece of me. 

as usual: THE SONG, because pieces of what we used to call home


Thank you for your lovely comments! :)