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inner home

6 July 2020

i think that my eternal struggle of life was in a search for home. obviously, from all my posts about lisbon, you know the actual place where i feel like home. and i mean, i always talked and thought about lisbon as my home even when i lived somewhere else. mainly in prague. and i have tried hard with prague, i have never claimed it as something even little bit connected to a feeling of home.
and the truth was, since i was a little girl, my home was somewhere out, outside the borders, with sea or the ocean, and always with sun. i was making wild fantasies about travels when i was little kid.
what i understood in last couple of months was, even though my dream of living properly and happily in lisbon came finally true, that the inner home is the place one needs to work on and find it and cherish it and in order to cultivate it properly, you need to find this thing called respect. mainly for yourself. and oh boy, that is incredibly hard thing to do.
because the moment you start to realize about how much you respect you give to yourself, your personal territory, your space, your thoughts and mindset... things start to shift.
because the boundaries you set up for people around you, but also for yourself, as another human being swimming in a pool of emotions, will grow the inner home. they will grow the shelter and cherish you, make you feel better and mainly make you realize what it is that you want and need.
once i found this need for respecting myself, i have seen how many wrong doings i have been doing to myself and allowed people to do to me. how much energy you need to have for yourself, but you easily give it to others. for free, on your own cost. and the unfortunate thing is, the people you give to, they do not ask for it. i just needed to please people's acceptance, not my own.
searching for your inner home gives you nest and love, the one you crave from other people. but once you love this small space inside you, that can be your whole universe, there is no more need for searching and demanding of others.
i wouldn't definitely think this is something ground breaking as i have seen people doing this once they reach the magical years around their 30ties. but i have woken up one day and i knew i needed this, i needed to finally honor myself and go deep inside and ask myself questions i have never wanted to answer.
suddenly you will see the changes your mind and body demands. like my urge for nature and silence in deep meditation and last, but not least, you will see who you do not need anymore and what kinda drama is not invited to your life anymore. this can be scary as you are going to piss off many people, but it is your own life and you are definitely not obligated to say your sorries and sad faces for being you with yourself, building this inner sacred place. setting up healthy boundaries. mainly if you are girl reading this, our constant need to say sorry for basically every step we do, goes brutally deep into our lady culture and that just needs to be wiped out of this earth finally. but that is another story.
so after, just take all those people and their sorries, by their hands and show them the door, because it is what it is. and if they do not like it? well, they do not need to be invited to your home.
so at the end of the day, it was not hard to find my ground. the ground has been always there. lisbon is my love and life, i have just manifested it into my life without even trying.
but no lisbon, no friend, no parent, no job or no partner is going to set up the right fence for you to build your inner castle for your small, happy child.
it takes time and way too much work.
but it is undeniably worth it.
it is undeniably essential.
and it is a beautiful path to walk.
and the things you see and the people you meet suddenly seem different, better. food taste richer, music gets softer, touch gets deeper and your words will have meaning. even though there is suddenly less it.
it is not easy to live with your demons in your universe, but like i said, it is the way to go.
i also think the right moment needs to come naturally, but sometimes with a bang. on a head. with a chair. empty bottle. wrong bed to wake up to. stupid joke you do not want to tolerate or understand anymore. sassy comment. broken friendship and relationships. one just needs to see it is not them - the other people, it is me all the time. blame is not invited to the party. because it is not going to help.
and as much we would never admit it to ourselves. it is our ego that gets us down. not ego of others. ours.
the issue with making your own inner home also goes hand in hand with making more space for things and ideas that are actually aligning with your life and your life's purpose. my life purpose has always been writing - to have ideas to write about. to receive the magical words and put them down. that is all i want from life. the rest is going to magically shape around it.
so honoring your own world is just going to create the world that you have always dreamt of. there is no place for fear as you do not need to be scared of change, that is something already yours, you just need to give it a go.
so yea, carry your home everywhere with you.
and as usual, i wish you a kinder sea.
me and emily dickinson.
cheers.

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Thank you for your lovely comments! :)