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maybe you're a little fire, you've been drowning your own desires.

22 April 2021

i would always choose sunset and sunrise over anything else. even you.

i would always choose a day with a book over anything else. even you. 

i would always choose my feet on grass or sand over anything else. even you.

i would always choose a smile over anything else. mainly yours.

i would always choose experience over anything else. even you.

i would always choose something else than you.

but by now i know, i wouldn't choose any other person than you.

the choices.

the choices we make shape the person we stay. and the person we stay with.

but in all these choices i make, when is the last time i choose myself? 

the profound and the first thought in the choice-making process, why is it me who is standing there overlooked and overruled by all the other voices? people? loves? friendships? 

i do know one. how many do you know? how many did you make for yourself, not for others? especially the imaginary others in your head?

since then i cannot recall when i followed myself.

i have unfollowed myself. as i have become to hate my own instagram profile. i made a new one. to hide me from the old one. i rather hide myself, the way i am and the way i would choose myself any day, from the person i wanted to be. i was expected to be. in shame of those demons in my head telling i am not good enough. for you. for myself.

instead of choosing myself and following myself, i choose all the unimportant small issues. i made them the rulers of my days, the sadness of my life. don't take me wrong. i have a huge existential kink in my sadness. 

i feel sadness fulfill me. sadness gives me a reason. sadness finds a way for me go to through days.

it gives me meaning.

it gives me hope.

happiness is not filling as it lacks the depts. there is a beauty in sadness happiness cannot reach. 

i find melancholy thriving. there i sit with my inspiration, with the beauty of it all.

it is there where lies my power, where stands my goal.

i struggled so long for somebody to understand this. for somebody to see it and embrace it, embrace me with it, for who i am with all its glory. yet as always, the only acceptance one needs is his own.

the ultimate judge with no mercy. when at the end of the day, it is the choice we make. 

the deeper you get, the deeper you love. so to back to fleabag quoting:

i think you know how to love better than any of us, that's why you find it all so painful.

happiness is not my final destination, happiness does not give me the ultimate satisfaction. 

i don't need to be happy.

what i need is to be satisfied.

with every breath i take.

and every move i make.

while feeling ashamed for quoting The Police.

i wanna be satisfied with the decisions i make and with the woman i am.

i wanna be satisfied with the good and the bad.

that is why i always wanted it all.

i always wanted to see it all and feel it all.

all the pain and all the glory. each feeling of each human that passed my life.

the touch, the smile, the anger. the touch of a person who shouldn't be touching you, but you quite do it as you will never be touched like that ever again. by anybody else. so you do it, so you need it. those are the pieces we search for when you look at somebody else, who is not quite you. or me. and him. i don't want those pieces back, they made me collect new pieces. but i still have them. pieces of us.

all went to the ultimate satisfaction of feelings so many people avoid in order to maintain life with no meaning. numb and empty. 

so i rather stay satisfied in my sadness than happy with empty fingers. because i always want to touch it. the beauty of it all. 

the sadness is the warm light on my face. it is my drug, it is my sun, it is my love. it is me. 


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