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if your nerve deny you. go above your nerve.

2 March 2020

last couple of days, maybe weeks, I have decided to go slow. this time for real. really slow. obviously.. to mainly survive this mercury retrograde, but also to finally catch a breath. maybe this is the reason we have rainy and cold months, even in Portugal. to simple close ourselves with a book, and music, and a tea. inside of a box, in a drawer, of our writing desk - with lights off. because if there is something I have learnt these last months in Lisbon, nothing will change if you rush or willingly push yourself to places you do not wanna go - emotionally, mentally or physically. it will just get always worse. so learning how to properly leave things go its own way, is the hardest thing I have done these days. as much as I am still sorry for the words or action I haven't done.. yet, I cannot simply change anything without the right push. I felt disconnected to all people, even the closest ones.

I feel seriously guilty for spending so much time alone in the abyss of my own thoughts and solitude. but it is also something I have not done for forever. because silence is oddly the best solitude (and the national, obviously). we have reached time and age, when silence became luxury nobody can afford. and we pay for it greatly.

so in this process, I have decided to be nice to myself for once.. in silence, not for the others who constantly change their minds about staying or keeping you company for their own pleasure. maybe I need holidays, on my own, in nature, in the middle of the ocean. to walk my way back to beauty - to quote Cheryl Strayed. and maybe write words I wanna tell, for myself, not for eyes of somebody else. because, as we know, writing blog makes you strangely weird about who the hell reads this nonsense? or even worse.. are they gonna care about it?

last but no least... who would have thought that solitude gives you so much more than forcing yourself to be in a company of humans? truly, at the end of the day, you have no other choice than to be nice to yourself and respect yourself. or you can drink to sorrow, cry till you sleep, eat yourself to sickness or the other way around - all this just means punishing yourself for the actions of others and our own incapability to deal with it. (not saying drinking is not fun. just saying numbing is different than chasing pleasure out of it.)

recently, I have been obsessing over and over again about my writing. no thoughts or ideas came to my mind at times when I needed it the most. I miss the warm hug it always gives me, the loving arms. like here I am, still here, where are you? can you please come down from somewhere and enlighten me again? later on, it didn't join me on my journey at all, never these days.

there was nothing to say, nothing to write. the horror of my days. the last thing I had, my thoughts and ideas on paper - gone. so my favorite bleeding on paper went away. even though I started to feel a deeper connection with myself again, there was no structure to my sentences to put down on paper. I also lost my feeling to write in Czech, as I cannot find the right words in my own language. I cannot find them in my own head. so how can I connect with people around, if I cannot connect the only thing I love in this damn world?

I have decided to go with the flow of shame, disconnection and personal solitude, to get away from unwanted creatures of daily life in order to find out why I am still broken. is it good decisions? who knows. is my writing back? who knows. but how many of good decisions have I done in recent years? definitely not the ones with somebody around. just with myself and for myself.

so maybe you are also hurting right now. or for a long time. and you have also lost something dearly precious to you. one thing is for sure, the hurting won't stop when forcing your boundaries for other people. or for making happy somebody else's ideas. I guess we have to find the button in our brains, before we can give our mind to others, or to a paper. May be setting your own boundaries in your own brain just for yourself, is the way to walk the line. I wish you a kinder sea. also Emily Dickinson. and me, truly.

cheers.


not to make this article a complete waste of your precious time here are some reading tips:

I absolutely love work of Brené Brown and her research on shame and why we feel shame. I am completely obsessed with her. as I was with Elizabeth Gilbert.
her majesty Joan Didion and essay about Self-Respect.
or anything by Joan Didion.
and lastly, Milan Kundera's The Book of Laughter and Forgetting is the pure gold of constant change of people's mindset.




1 comment

  1. I can feel some similarity when I look back. And can only say, some years from now, you will be reading these words and think what a great time I had back than, alone! Enjoy, find beauty in all the small things, take pleasure from that. Do what you love, travel, even alone, evolve. This time is so precious. In the moment you expect it the least, things will start to fit in and life will take the good direction and even words will come! ;) Wishing you only the best to come! :)

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Thank you for your lovely comments! :)