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the path we walk, we walk alone

8. června 2020

i craved nature. i craved nature, so deep i was dedicated to do whatever it takes. like moving back to lisbon for the ocean and the sun, for example. mainly because i wasn't raised in order to connect myself to nature or myself as part of it. i think i have searched for it and i still do, somewhere in myself, all my life. i craved tenderness of sand, milky and red skies, the hard heat of the sun on my skin, sounds of the ocean, the breeze in the shadows and exceptional stillness of life outside of the borders of my own country. i would never admit this to myself. but here i am. and i mean, the signs were there when i got obsessed with plants already in prague and turned the apartment into the jungle.
i craved something i did not even know about or could hardly imagine.
it made me think about my never-ending cravings for deep connections, yet i was happier to close myself inside of a room with my own solitude than interact with people on deep levels.
so looking at it back and reevaluating it, maybe as i could not imagine the deep connection to the ocean and nature inside of me, i could not imagine the connection to anyone, simply because i never had what i wanted. yet at the same time, i could just run my imagination wild - because i have read all about it in books or all those crying love songs i love so much. the openness to the idea of me and nature or part of it, became the key, not the cure.
i wanted something my mind wasn't able to process to imagine. not to mention to experience it.
maybe that is why the quote of cheryl strayed got stuck for so many years in my head. i wanted to put myself back in the name of beauty. i wanted to experience that beauty so much that it hurt. yet i could not, because i have never learned how.
these are the sparks of joy and love you see around, yet you cannot find your way to it.
but still, i was in deep solitude and lonesomeness just with myself outside of it all. i did not want another person to do this for me, i craved to find the girl i used to be before by myself. i craved myself more than anything else.
after break ups we usually miss the other person, but mainly we miss the person we have been with them. not just break ups, but any loss in general. we miss us. and this time when i say us, i mean me, myself and I. the acceptance of standing by ourselves and looking at the mirror just as we are - liking ourselves as we are, that is the hardest part, because maybe we were not used to it for years.
so i was breaking up with myself. i was breaking up with person i have been last three years. and maybe a little bit longer before. i was saying slowly, but surely, good bye to the most important person in my life in order to let the inner child and myself be seen again.
it was the most intense and painful relationship i have ever had. but it had to come to an end.
the relationship of grasping for solitude when it was not there or simply could not be provided, because it was relationship of deep growth through pain, not just happiness and unicorns.
yet it was the most opening and provocation one i have ever experienced. i was so obsessed with finding these small connections of love. i was desperate for understanding when i did not understand myself.
i didn't put myself in a name of beauty. i have put myself in hell and i walked right through it. i needed to cry and fight with myself to put myself back up.
so instead of kicking around like after any break up i had, i turned to baby steps like writing in my notebook again.
by just letting my hair grown long and blond again.
by running with no connection to destroy my body, just to set up my mind.
i asked myself uncomfortable questions and i dealt with them.
i emptied my mind with trails for mediations and yoga asanas.
but mainly, after all of this, i have realized how alone i was and how i never wanted to be alone like that. and what a beautiful home, i had here in lisbon and i couldn't wait to go back. from last week's trip and from my year in prague.
i wanted to put myself in the name of beauty again. when i haven't learned or even tried to do it.
the last five months were probably the hardest, but in a good way. i would never do it again, but i will definitely have to sometime in the future. to look at yourself in the mirror and own up to your own shit and stop blaming people around you or complain constantly. that took all my guts to do it. and writing this feels like being on a solid way to that brave girl i wanna be so much.
education became my absolute key. because i have found out, without educating myself on those feelings and the strange thoughts i was having last years, i am never going to move on. so instead of kicking around and acquire toxic habits with toxic people. i have decided to go on a chapter of perfecting my mind, my empathy, my body and leaving toxic habits outside of the door.
taking baby steps.
when i was in the algarve last week, somewhere on the way, maybe even the first day, i have realized that enough is enough. or to say it correctly, what needed to be done was already done. i definitely did not need to torture myself by walking in horrid heat with an even heavier backpack.
i have already done the job. there was nothing to prove to anybody anymore. especially to myself. i was absolutely complete and enough at the moment as i have realized this.
to be alone and snuggled in your own lonesomeness can be highly addictive and i know well what kind of pleasure it is - those momentarily joys and ecstasies, so to say no, to this comfort zone, is hard. maybe i cannot go out right away, but i have learned to walk the line. towards nature? i guess.
i still struggle to understand collectiveness and openness among people, it is hard for me to keep up with friendships not to think about starting a new relationship with a man. god forbid. cheers.
but to quote maya angelou through brene brown: You only are free when you realize you belong no place — you belong every place — no place at all. The price is high. The reward is great. 


Thank you for your lovely comments! :)